Let’s Race!

Before I had kids, I never really thought too much about what my kids would be like. Growing up, my mom always wished on me a daughter just like me. She did that when she was angry at me, thinking a kid like me would be a karmic punishment. I hope she knows now how easy I was as a kid. You’re welcome, mom.

Anyway, maybe it’s partially because of the Olympics, but I’ve been thinking about the different activities we all end up in and how we get there. In China, apparently, the government puts kids in training when they’re quite young? Some American parents decide early for their kids, based on what activities they value. I’ve mentioned before that Alex and I decided to be intentional about not choosing for our kids (except for music, obviously) and giving them the chance to see what they were interested in.

With Lydia, it was easy. We put her in gymnastics as a toddler because she NEEDED to be in gymnastics as a toddler. She was throwing herself around so much that if she didn’t learn how to fall safely, something was going to break… either part of her or part of our house. And as she got older, it became clear she was interested in dance too. She has many other interests, but those are the things she’s loved before she fully understood they were things to love.

Naomi has been less obvious in her interests (aside from the color orange, which I was able to tell was her favorite color right before her second birthday). She hasn’t really had “a thing,” even though she’s WELL past the age where we could identify Lydia’s interest in gymnastics. She wasn’t into movement the way Lydia was. There was nothing she seemed really into. Obviously that’s fine, but we didn’t really have any direction as far as helping her explore things she might like. We knew she would be persistent. Once, at the zoo, I had to wait a few minutes for her to keep trying to jump up and grab a leaf that was decidedly beyond her reach. With each try, she would say,  “Almost got it!” and try again. As someone who’s naturally not very persistent, I marveled at her. I was glad she had this trait and wondered what she would end up using her persistence for.

I think we’re starting to see Naomi’s first real interest. The girl has loved being in the water since her third lesson as an infant. Last year, she was always the one who wanted to stay at the pool even after Lydia was cold and wanting to leave. But now, with her in actual lessons again, she is loving it. I shared her progress from last week, and how she can now swim a little unassisted. Well this girl, with her ability to swim maaaaybe a yard by herself, was trying to race Alex and me across the entire length of the regulation size pool at Dunham yesterday. Repeatedly. We kept having to remind her that it wouldn’t work out so well for her, but she was having none of it. She wanted to race. She also kept jumping in, swimming to a parent, and swimming back to the wall, just to practice. We were assisting her, of course. But no amount of verbal reminders to slow down, water up the nose, or giant pool water burps was going to deter her from practicing. She really amazed me.

Wherever this interest goes, I’m excited to help her explore it. She was watching swimming in the Olympics the other day, and she told me she’s gonna do that some day. So I can’t wait to see!

Strong

I woke up Friday, the last day of my vacation, and immediately thought to myself, “This is the most rested I’m going to be for a year.” It was as depressing to realize at the time as it is to write down now. Back to work (nights, obviously), Lydia starting school again, Naomi starting daycare (very part time, in a few weeks, in theory?), back to everything. It was like looking off the edge of a cliff, knowing you’re about to get shoved off, and having no say in the matter.

It was such a crappy feeling, it got me thinking. I really, really, REALLY don’t want this fall to be like the spring. In February and early March, I was working hard to make some really positive changes for myself and our surroundings (which I mentioned in the last post from April), and quarantine really just took those things (and my sanity), crushed them, pulverized them in a blender, devoured them, and turned them to manure. I was stressed and yelling all… the… time. Lydia and I were constantly fighting about getting her work done. Naomi got ignored. Nothing was going right, AND it was too cold to go outside. It wasn’t really until almost June that things got substantially better, because school finished for the year (you know, officially… never mind how much learning WASN’T actually happening during school) and the weather got nice enough to let the girls outside.

Remembering how awful it was, and how the things that made it so bad were out of my control is scary. We’re about to be dealing with similar conditions–school at home (we were supposed to be 50% in person, but for the first month at least are 100% virtual…don’t know yet after that), cruddy weather, exhaustion… and just knowing the potential for horridness has been stressful. But I will commend myself on my overall handling of the preparation for getting pushed off this cliff of stress. I’ve worked hard to set us up for hopefully success, but if not, at least not reliving the spring’s shit show.

We have made some big changes to prepare our home. The biggest is obviously the bedroom situation, which I posted on Facebook. The girls have a bed arrangement that should last them YEARS. And we did something we’d avoided for nearly 5 years–we got a lock for their bedroom door. Since she could walk, Lydia would NEVER stay in her room for nap or bedtime or overnight. But we didn’t want to lock her in both for safety reasons in the event of an emergency, and because it felt pretty awful to both of us to have to lock our little kid in her room every night. That’s some Disney villain shit. But we spent far too many nights standing outside their door, having to hold it shut while a kid tried to pull it open, so we decided to try it. We have the monitor to see and hear them if they need us, but they can’t leave the room to tell us something “urgent.” It has definitely helped a TON, both with their sleep (they know they can’t leave the room, so they don’t bother trying) and our mental health (no more precious after-bedtime HOURS wasted holding the door).

Not only should it help for sleep during the school year, but if it becomes necessary, we can also lock Lydia in if she’s trying to work and N is trying to bother her. Which brings up another big change–Lydia has a dedicated workspace. In the spring, she would use my laptop in an armchair in the living room. It was so hard for her to focus because Naomi and Dixie and whatever I was doing. This year, she’ll have a desk (I found one with appropriate ergonomics for kids that can grow with her–so exciting!) in a sunny and pleasant environment that is in HER space, and storage for her papers and supplies. We bought a desktop for her to use for school about a month ago, and decided to keep it in the basement so school and play don’t get confused with sleep…and then the school decided they were going to force-lend the kids iPads all year, so she has her iPad in her room too, to use at her desk. She loves scents, so I put an old essential oil diffuser in her room to make her workspace smell nice. She’s got motivational quotes on the wall and a wooden calendar she got for her birthday. She has a glitter bottle we made her months ago to shake if she gets angry or frustrated. It got used maybe two days, but now she can shake it and set it in the window if she feels like it. Her books are organized. Basically, it’s everything I could think of that a first grader might need in a remote workspace. In the spring/early summer, I also spent far too much money and bought the kids a lifetime subscription an educational game website, so if she finishes her work early or has some free time during the school day, we can send her to the desktop in the basement and she can learn and play simultaneously. We’re basically trying to set up her learning space and materials in a way that she will find not only functional but enjoyable too.

That said, nothing can replicate school. Lyds needs social interaction. After a lot of deliberation–motivated by financial (quarantine+orchestra=bad news) and health constraints–we’ve decided to try putting Lydia in an MMA class this year, and we might add Girl Scouts too. She went to a weeklong camp at the MMA place, which was mostly outdoor group games, and she loved it. We couldn’t send her back to the same camp because of schedule issues, but she liked it enough she wanted to sign up for the week of actual MMA lessons they were offering. We weren’t really sure what she would think of punching and blocking and fighting, but she really liked it. So to get her around other kids and get her some regular exercise, we’re giving it a go. Her first class was tonight. I unexpectedly got to watch her, and she looked so happy and did amazing. She’s obviously not a large kid, but she is definitely strong. Fingers crossed everyone at the school stays healthy so she and the other kids can keep going.

For my part, this past week, I made it a priority to restart the exercise program I’d just been beginning when COVID hit (MommaStrong). It really is fabulous and I can’t recommend it enough. It’s designed specifically for moms, whether you just had a c-section yesterday or your oldest kid is in their 30s, it’s got short (15-20 min) daily programs that you do at home with minimal equipment. Plus they have kid exercises, and you can add a dad version and nutrition education options. It’s literally $5/month, and it kicks my butt every time. If anyone is looking for a way to exercise at home, try it and we can be accountable together 🙂 I’m going to work hard to keep it going, because it probably has some benefit for my mental health, but it DEFINITELY provides badly needed exercise that’s compatible with our crazy schedule.

And that’s really the point of this post. Whether it’s MMA for Lydia, me trying to do my exercises, or us as a family trying to survive work and school and day care and cold weather, this next year is going to take some serious strength from all of us. I’m just hoping we’ve prepared enough and are ready to rise to the coming challenges together.

I did some nakey Nay Nay reps after bath the other night, just for fun

Sheepishy,

Liz

Selfish

Usually, I use this site to talk about the family, or the kids, or what’s going on with all of us. But tonight, I need to share something for me. So if this all sounds kinda self-centered, it’s because…it is. But I’m also going to be very honest, sharing a lot of personal information into the internet abyss.

Before I say ANYTHING, I want to make some truths very clear. These problems are not unique to me. There are so many people who have it so much worse. We have food and shelter and jobs and each other. I am not the only person it my family or literally anywhere that is having a hard time. I realize these things. Life should never be a competition of who has it worse. I am incredibly lucky in so many ways, and I realize all of this. But that doesn’t mean things are ok.

Before all this started, I felt like I was getting things somewhat under control. This is not to say that I was happy with everything in my life. There are plenty of things I felt like I was constantly fighting for. I fought every day to take back little bits of my house from the kids’ mess and the clutter and the disorganization that surrounds us. We have that truly American problem of too much stuff. Before all this happened, whenever I had free time, I was cleaning–or, if I was truly lucky to have EXTRA time beyond cleaning time, organizing. It is not a good lifestyle. I do not recommend it. But here we are. This has been a months-long endeavor where I have made cleaning my job whenever I can. Alex has helped some, but honestly, it’s mostly been my efforts. It’s important to me because I recognize when we get to a place where everything HAS a place, we can tidy up as needed and not live in a constant state of tripping on boxes and toys and piles of things in the wrong places. Organized surroundings make such a positive impact. I’d already donated a lot and had piles to donate and send to the weird recycling company here that will recycle just about anything. After my months of working, I finally felt like I was starting to make progress and that someday, this project could be finished.

Before all this started, I also was actively working on improving my health. Sorry for my kids who’ll one day read this, but I hate my weight. Hate, hate, hate it. I try so hard not to show it or talk about it around them or at all, but I hate what I’ve done to my body. I should weigh (depending on what metric you use) 30-50 pounds less than I do. Realistically, I’d like to weigh 25-30lbs less than I do. After Lydia was born, I lost 50 lbs by focusing on what I was eating and (since I was laid off) constantly going on walks. After Naomi, I found myself at the same weight as after Lydia. But since her, I haven’t had the “bandwidth” to focus on my health, and I’ve only lost 20 pounds. I think about it all the time, every day. I feel embarrassed and like a failure every day. If someone told me they felt this way about themselves, I’d encourage them and tell them not to be so hard on themselves, because we are so much more than our weight. But honestly, it’s how I feel. I’m not trying to look sexy (sorry Alex). I just want to feel like myself, and to be healthy. I finally had fought back to start taking better care of myself the past few months before all this. I had drastically cut down on sugar (my personal addiction) and had even been trying out an in-home exercise program specifically for moms. It wasn’t going the greatest yet, but it was going regularly and I was committed. And my work had paid off, slightly, in that I’d lost about 5 pounds in maybe 2 months.

Then everything came crashing down. In spectacular fashion.

Having to homeschool Lydia has been a huge, huge, enormous challenge. She’d rather play. Naomi would rather she plays with her. Lydia had problems completing her assigned work at school because she’d rather talk. At home, it’s the same but worse. Our house is not set up for school. There is no environment that encourages focusing. Having one adult with the kids as both teacher and toddler-chaser at the same time is so unfair to Lydia’s educational needs. Keeping Naomi from hurting herself (she’s climbing everything and obsessed with learning to use our very sharp, adult scissors) or from distracting Lydia, while also trying to teach Lydia, and not being able to separate them into different spaces is next to impossible. Poor Lydia gets short, probably inadequate instructions. And then sometimes I’ll come back to her after dealing with Naomi, and she’ll have done something wrong, like draw her As so they look more like Ds. She’s already done all the repetition she was supposed to use to learn it, but she’s learned it wrong, so now I have to sit down and try to get her to unlearn and relearn with further inadequate instruction. Or her teacher will mention something in her daily hour-long online class, and Lydia will sit there, not saying that she doesn’t know how to do it but also not doing it, until the adult notices and has to teach her DURING the online class, again, while also watching Naomi. It’s immensely frustrating to everyone, except Naomi, for whom life is a game 100% of the time.

Bedtime has been exceptionally challenging lately too. You may have seen articles about kids sleeping in their parents’ beds more often. That’s been true here. But also they’re having a much harder time settling down. Some of it is probably they’re getting less exercise (no real recess or activity for Lydia, and no long walks for Naomi and Dixie, because, you know, homeschooling). Some of it is probably a change in routine. Some of it is their changing relationship with each other, wherein they like to sleep in the same bed now, but often that involves hitting and biting and screaming and still insisting on not being separated. Plus, in the last month, Naomi learned how to climb out of the crib. We never had to deal with that with Lydia, so we’re kind of at the mercy of a 2-year-old deciding to stay in bed. Which, if you don’t know any 2-year-olds, staying in bed is not really their thing.

And the work I’ve done organizing my house? Yeah, no. Some people seem to be able to do that stuff with kids around, but I have not found a way. And then by the time they’re in bed, I’m either a) exhausted, b) at work, or c) exhausted and at work. It doesn’t help that I’ve been doing a lot of stress-shopping online, so shit I order that we don’t truly need keeps arriving to our house, needing a place to go.

Speaking of stress, I’ve also been stress eating like nobody’s business. All that hard work over those months to lose those 5ish pounds? Yeah, they’re already back, and I’m terrified how many may follow. I’ve been eating all forms of sugar: soda, desserts I make, desserts other people make, treats I’m given at work, all of it. All the habits I’d fought so hard not to break, remade. All the food substitutions I’d done, gone. I just don’t have time. And sometimes, even when I try, they’re just not available. I tried ordering jicama in our last grocery pickup, thinking it was a healthy thing I should eat more of and that the girls like and that the store was unlikely to be out of, but no. They didn’t have it. I did, however, have all the ingredients and the skills to make homemade donuts, ice cream, puppy chow, and more shit I absolutely shouldn’t be eating. And I’ve been fast food a ton, partially because of my work schedule, and partially because cooking gets shoved aside at home. It’s just not feasible for me to cook AND teach Lydia AND keep both kids from dying AND work my normal schedule AND not have help. Because again, Alex is home, but he spends all day working downstairs. When this all started, I tried to include my healthy routines. Working out got abandoned first, because I just didn’t get a chance when they were both occupied. I’d also built in twice-daily dog walks as part of our schedule, but it was taking so long to get everyone ready to walk, and it was a cluster if and when we got out the door. If you’ve not walked with kids recently, it’s not like normal walking. I used to stick Naomi in the stroller, and walk the dog for 2.5 miles daily. We went on a normal route at a consistent pace. Now that Naomi is old enough to walk and Lydia is there, that can’t happen. Naomi doesn’t want to ride, she wants to walk. But she has little legs, gets tired, wanders off, tries to walk in people’s yards or the street. Lydia might want to walk for a block or two. Or run, when Naomi has stopped to look at some ants and won’t follow. But then she either complains she wants to go home, or tries to go so far that she then wants to be carried back. It’s just immensely frustrating and in no way, shape, or form adequate exercise for anyone. I don’t even drink enough water anymore. I worked hard to be good about that, having been awful at it my entire life, but I forget while I’m focusing on the kids. At work, we have masks. We can’t bring our water to where we are anymore, it has to be left in the break room where we only go for lunch. And we’re not even allowed to fill our water bottles at the water machine. Literally, it is impossible to be anywhere near adequately hydrated at home or at work.

I’m sorry if this is ranting and rambling. I’m just feeling very down. I feel unsupported, because I am. I feel defeated, because I am. I feel fat and unhealthy, because I am. I am exhausted. Even before this, I was tired a lot, because night shift and I don’t get along. Now, I get frustrated and I yell more than before, which is not how I want to be, and not what my kids need. But that’s why I feel like this. Because their needs come first. I wake up. Usually Alex gets them dressed, but I prepare them a meal. Then I school/play with them. Then I prepare them another meal. Then someone puts Naomi to nap, and I continue addressing whatever Lydia’s needs are. Then Naomi wakes and I feed them a snack and deal with whatever their next needs are. Then I feed them another meal. Then I help put them to bed (Alex does consistently help with bed). And then I sit on the fucking couch and I watch TV or shop online and usually comfort myself by eating something unhealthy. And I hate literally all parts of this. Before this, I was BEYOND ready for Naomi to be in daycare. I wanted time to focus on the parts of my life that were keeping me from being the person and the mom I know I can be. Instead, I got the opposite: the responsibility of caring for everyone, at the same time, in every possible way, while continuing to care for strangers at work, in extraordinary circumstances. And the weight of all that really feels like it’s crushing me.

I love my family. I love all of them. But I hate this. I’m last, all the time. All. The. Time. After kids, after Alex, after dog, after work, after the house, after everything. And I don’t think I can fix it. We have just under a month of school left. That’s a lot of days left to feel this shitty, but I’m desperately hoping things will be better once the school component of quarantine is completed. Because I don’t like the version of me that this quarantine is creating, and I know I have it in me to do and be better. I just can’t do or be everything for everyone, and it’s me who’s losing out.

Sheepishly,

Liz

Side note: It also doesn’t help that it still hurts to kneel (which I do a lot with the kids) from falling down with Naomi, I might’ve broken a toe while serving the girls lunch because I was carrying both their trays and couldn’t see the wooden stool N had moved so I kicked the crap out of it, and literally last night, Naomi threw a fucking geode at me and it hit my shin bone super hard, so that hurts a ton too, even though I iced it right away. With all this, even just walking around hurts. I’m truly over as much of this as it is possible to be over.

All Together Now

A week from today, we were going to go on vacation. Our first in 3 years. And a few weeks after that, I was set to go on my first solo trip since becoming a parent. Both trips just to visit family, nothing extravagant. And now, nothing. I gave up my time off work–don’t want to waste time off, even when there’s not the threat of having to use it for confirmed or even suspected Covid infection. Because that’s what we nurses get to do–quarantine if needed, but it comes out of our vacation. But I digress.

Despite being unable to go visit family, this spring will be a time of togetherness. Cincinnati Public Schools canceled classes Thursday effective after classes Monday, so Lydia’s last day of school was supposed to be today; but over the weekend, the district decided to cancel Monday, making Friday her last day. I don’t normally drop her off, but I happened to that day. Even without knowing it would be her last day, it was very emotional for me. Seeing all those kids–my kid–walking into a happy, safe place for a “normal” day, knowing that they can’t possibly understand. There are no confirmed cases in Cincinnati or northern Kentucky yet. A few in a Cinci suburb popped up over the weekend, but that’s as close as it is to home. Which is to say positively abstract from the perspective of a kindergartener. Wednesday, after some NKY school districts announced closures, I told Lydia that the sickness we’d been telling her about and washing our hands extra well because of was causing some schools to close. Not hers, I explained, but it could happen. She protested, saying she didn’t want to miss school, and “But I’ve been washing my hands!” I told her it wasn’t anything she did and affirmed she had been doing a very good job washing her hands. Then she told me it was a specific classmate’s fault, because she had a fever. I tried to explain it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just something that was happening and we would make the best of it. Later, she told me she was excited to get to stay home and spend more time with Naomi, but she would miss her friends.

I feel so sad for her. Kindergarten is at least as much about socialization as academics if not more, and that cannot be replicated at home. She’ll miss her friends from class, and from Spanish, but also from yoga and Girl Scouts, both of which she had literally just started in February. And as much as time is still mostly abstract for her, I don’t know that she understands she’s off for 3 weeks. Or that, realistically, I don’t see how they will go back before the fall. We haven’t talked about that possibility. It seems like no one has, but it’s only a matter of time. The latest CDC recommendation was avoiding large gatherings for at least 8 weeks. I hope my pessimism is wrong, but I doubt it.

Yet we are remarkably lucky in all this. Health-wise, we’re all low risk. Because we never found a daycare we liked for Naomi, we still have our babysitter, who is the only person we’re seeing in all of this social distancing. Since it’s either her or me watching Naomi 100% of the time on weekdays, adding Lydia is no problem. Because Naomi has been home and because I buy too much stuff, we have a whole house full of things for the girls to play with, and a yard, and the neighbor’s little jungle gym (which is there for their grandkids, who aren’t coming over these days, so I consider it safe). We have the space to stock up on essentials and cut down on trips to the grocery store (don’t judge me, I did not panic buy or hoard things like an a-hole). Alex’s work can, at this point, pretty much be done from home. Whatever work there is to do, because it’s hard to plan for concerts when you don’t know the next time you can give them. It is very unlikely I will be out of work at any point. Part of my motivation for going into nursing was job security, but this isn’t what I had in mind (although, still, my department is just about as low-risk as anywhere in the hospital can be). Just like I kept saying I needed a week at home just to clean, but again, not what I had in mind. So our hearts are with the people who truly are going to have a much harder time with this, due to being high risk for complications if they get sick or loss of income or whatever else. I will try to keep work germs at work, and really that’s the only place any of us is going. Except I have to keep a car appointment Thursday because otherwise I think my battery will die and I won’t be able to get TO work.

But yeah, things could be a lot worse at this point. We are trying to heed the warnings from China and Italy about how bad it can get, but not scare the kids. Or really, Lydia, since Naomi is two. I am proud of myself for the prep I’ve done so far. Thursday afternoon, once the school’s closure was announced, I picked up Lydia from yoga and took the girls to the library. Normally I tell them if they try to use the iPads they have sitting out, we’re going home. But I actually put them in front of the iPads and walked around finding books to complement Lydia’s schoolwork. I asked her what she was studying aside from Africa. She said birds and “I don’t know.” *insert eyeroll* So I got bird books and continent books and sight word books and Spanish books and yoga DVDs and a few others. I recently bought a coworker’s old, used iPad and set it up with educational games for L, because I’ve not been a fan of the Fire tablet we bought her. And I’m not a cool mom–I buy Lydia toys I want her to have instead of what she asks for half the time (sorry, L, we have enough princess things and we bought you a big doll after you wouldn’t stop asking, which you’ve played with twice since Christmas). So a lot of what we have around has educational value.

I never thought we would be here. Who did, in more than a theoretical sense? But because I’ve doing this pseudo-SAHM thing (albeit rather unwillingly) for a while, I’m equipped for quarantine. AND, because I’m a nurse, I’m not entirely stuck at home. My hope is that my kids come out of this not just healthy, but with a lot more random life skills under their belts. I want to keep L learning, but I know I’m no substitute for school. And if today was any indication, the time together will strengthen their relationship. I hope for Alex and everyone else at the orchestra that we’re able to get back to normal in time to have some concerts before the end of the season. And I hope our hospital will be equipped to keep me and my family safe (although we definitely failed our earliest test).

Really, I’m too tired to be writing. I know what I just wrote was rather circular, but I was watching the kid/kids from 9am-8pm with no more than 5 minutes to myself at a time. I fully believe as we settle into a routine, and as it gets warmer out, it will get easier. So for now, I choose to be grateful for everything we have in our corner. Here’s hoping for good health, and an easy and fast period of isolation for us all…and that the internet holds up to all this increased use!

Sheepishly,

Liz

Moments of Wow

This weekend was challenging. But there were 2 really important moments where Lydia took me aback with her maturity:

1. ***Inoffensive Frozen 2 spoiler*** We were listening to the Frozen 2 soundtrack. There’s a song Anna sings when she’s feeling totally hopeless and in despair. It has the lyric “How to rise from the floor when it’s not you I’m rising for,” where the “you” is Elsa. Lydia asked what that meant, specifically the rising from the floor. I said Anna feels so sad it’s hard for her to get up and keep going. Lyds replied that Anna rises and keeps going for Arendelle, because she wants everyone to be ok. If you haven’t seen the movie, the safety of Arendelle is an overarching, background concern and not something that’s particularly relevant to this scene. I was like, damn. I asked her who she’d talked about that with, wondering if that was a concept she and Alex had discussed, but it wasn’t. It was her own thought.
2. I asked Lydia to help prepare gifts for her “specials” teachers today–art, music, etc.; I also had her write her card to the counselor she sees weekly. I just handed her the card and a pen with no suggestion of what to write, figuring she’d get a “Merry Christmas” or “I love you” or something like that. Nope. Lydia wrote, “Thank you for spending time with me.” My heart still cries happy, soulful tears even typing that.

My experience with 5-year-olds is limited to mine, so I have no idea how typical or not her perceptiveness is. But to me, having watched her grow from an infant blob to where she is now, these things are cause to pretty much explode with pride. So I’m sharing them here, these moments that made me not post my children for sale. Because even though they’re challenging, they’re the best.

Sheepishly,

Liz

Beauty in the Struggle

One day last week, I picked Lydia up from school, and she was struggling. It wasn’t clear to me why, but she wasn’t in a great mood. She wanted to watch TV, but Alex and I have already been feeling like she’s watching more TV than we’d like, so I discouraged it. Lydia was even more upset to be told no. She handled it pretty well though, and instead asked if we could go on a picnic in the park. I was like 😐 because I didn’t want to say no (it’s a positive request, an appropriate thing to want to do when you’re sad, and it’s the end of the nice days for the year), but also we had like no picnic or prepared food in the house and it was about 4:30pm and bedtime is 8. So I sat for a minute, quickly thought of some food I could try to make while watching both girls, got the ok from Alex, and said yes. (Side note, my favorite part came 20 minutes later when Alex was like, “Ok, so I’ll meet you at the park?” I was like, “Dude, you think I can cook a meal, pack it, and get both kids and the dog ready to go in 20 minutes? Whatchu smokin? Get your butt home.”) But a little more than an hour later, we were at the park eating spinach raita with pita, and parmesan roasted mukimamke. I looked around, and for a minute was able to appreciate just how awesome the situation was.

I’d whipped up a homemade, healthy, delicious, vegetarian meal in basically no time (I’d even remembered a treat for Dixie so she wouldn’t try to steal our food at much), gotten my kids outside to enjoy a beautiful day ON A WEEKNIGHT no less, there were (somewhat miraculously for the park we selected) no obvious signs of drug use anywhere around, and we were all together. It had taken a lot of effort to do it, but we did it.

But life still happened again. Naomi would only eat bread. Lydia had to go to the bathroom, but it was closed. Alex walked pretty far away and found one that was open, so he and Lydia went there, leaving me with Dixie and Nay. Naomi was tired and wandering around holding a big hunk of bread, so I had to follow her. But I couldn’t get too close, because that would give Dixie the chance to steal her bread. But then N kept trying to go in the street inside the park, so I’m trying to restrain a 1-year-old and a pulling dog, keeping them together, but not too together. Meanwhile, we’d wandered far from our food and belongings and I’m watching people over by our stuff hoping they weren’t stealing my wallet (they weren’t, thankfully, but they had no real reason to be over there). Then Alex and Lyds got back from the bathroom and Lydia wanted to go to the playground. Fine, so I pawn off all the kids and go pack up dinner by myself. Then I go over, carrying everything, to find everyone playing, and Lydia doing the monkey bars! She had never been able to do them before but was rocking it like she’d been doing them forever. It was so cool. But almost immediately, I notice there are mosquitoes. The park we chose is heavily wooded, so I was surprised I hadn’t seen any during dinner, but they were out now. If you don’t know, I have whatever body chemistry mosquitoes LOVE, so when they come out, I peace out. Except I wanted to watch Lydia and NOT force my family to leave right away, so I waited as long as I could handle it. That turned out to be maybe 60-90 seconds before I bolted to the car because I got AT LEAST 16 MOSQUITO BITES just in that time. So I’m just standing there alone in the parking lot, with no car key and no family, frantically scratching every bit of exposed skin to within an inch of its life, looking like I need a fix to calm me down (which I did, of cortisone cream). And then I felt awful for making everyone leave, even though it was getting late.

So when I think back on this outing, it’s impossible to acknowledge the good without the bad. I try to be super impressed with myself for making it happen, for using it to reinforce our values of being outside and family time, and for feeding my family healthy food (bonus points for vegetarian, which we’re trying to do more of). But I also can’t dismiss the stress of getting ready, the fight to get the kids to eat the food, the frustration of keeping Naomi out of the street when that was the only place she wanted to go while also keeping Dixie away from her, and the guilt of essentially running away from everyone and making them stop having fun because I was being eaten alive.

So much of life has been that way recently. Parts are really beautiful. But often it feels like an outsize struggle to get there. Lydia is really liking kindergarten and her new school. But with that, she’s had some behavioral issues at home that worried us enough we’ve started her seeing a school psychologist so hopefully she gets the support she needs. Naomi is a delight as always, but she’s more and more a toddler. Dumping things out, emptying boxes and drawers, just little things that are totally age appropriate but maybe take her 30 seconds to do and hours or days before someone gets a chance to fix it. And it’s so easy to fall behind at home. I’ve been working so hard for so long to try to get our house in order–getting rid of things we don’t need, tidying what we do, trying to stay on top of laundry and everything. But one bad week where Alex and I are only home one at a time because of work, and everything falls apart again. And what really drags on me every moment of every day is my health. I desperately need to exercise and lose weight. I still haven’t figured out how to take care of everything that needs to be done, but also take care of myself. It’s a really bad feeling, and like a lot of people in my position, I’m aware of it just about every moment of every day. It’s not ok, but I haven’t found a way to fix it.

The feeling that, like the picnic dinner, everything is a struggle or a fight, really wears on me. The happy things are wonderful, but it’s so tiring to feel like each thing takes 5 small fights–whether against time or money or mess or kids or whatever–to get there. The biggest step we’re taking to try to change things is getting Naomi into daycare. She’s been home with our amazing babysitter or with me for the past 19+ months, but we’re at a point where she needs to be around other kids and I need a break. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it’s true. I need a chance to get ahead on some of the things that wear on me so much, so it’s time for a change. We don’t know yet what that will look like, because our options are limited for several reasons, but I’m hopeful that even though it’s hard, we will find a way to make it be a positive.

Overall, we have a beautiful life. We have so much to be thankful for. Even though I may not always want to go (especially because night shift), I have a really cool job. Alex works at probably the best place in the world for him to work right now. We still love each other and love spending time together, even though it seems like all we do is clean or parent most of the time. Lydia got into the school we never dreamed she’d get into. Naomi has simply the best personality and is a joy to be with. The girls are amazing together. Lydia entertains Naomi endlessly. Naomi loves Lydia and even has helped her to feel better when she was feeling too grumpy to function. Dixie is loud af but loving and loved. I don’t think it will always feel like such a struggle to tread water. I cannot wait for that day. But for now, we keep on keeping on, and doing our best to do the best we can.

Sheepishly,

Liz

The Time Between

Preschool is behind us (for 2 years, anyway) and kindergarten lies ahead. But now, we are in uncharted, potentially chaotic territory. The time between.

This week, Lydia has theatre camp (superhero theme). Next week is chemistry camp at the planetarium, leading straight into Alex’s family reunion that weekend. The week after is her last camp, nature camp, followed by a rare week with nothing planned. Then, in quick succession, her birthday and my mom arriving, her birthday party, my mom leaving, an overnight trip to the Kentucky State Fair, and kindergarten!

All Lydia’s camps are morning only. She’ll be home with Naomi and me (and sometimes another adult for a bit if I have work that night) every afternoon. When Alex and I decided to take L out of preschool early to do camps, we did so thinking not only would it be more fun for her before she starts the next 13+ years (!!!!) of formal schooling, but slightly cheaper than paying for preschool through the middle of August. Financially cheaper, anyway. I was fully aware of the potential costs to my sanity having both kids alone so much.

So today was day 1. Our babysitter was scheduled for 3pm, since I’m on call all night. The day started off promising. Alex and I drove separately to Lydia’s 9am drop-off. She was understandably uncomfortable because it was a place she’s never been with people she’s never met, but she was brave and handled it pretty well. I’d brought Naomi and Dixie, since the theatre is in one of Cincinnati’s biggest and prettiest parks, and we had a nice, long stroller walk. Then we went home, and Naomi fell asleep 10 minutes in the car. Meaning her normal nap schedule was guaranteed to be messed up. We were home long enough for Naomi to steal some cake, but not much longer before it was time to pick up L.

I was so excited to get Lydia and see what she thought of camp! Turned out she liked it, but didn’t really want to talk about it. She did show me the craft they’d made though–a hand cutout on a stick, decorated like a superhero. Said Dad would be excited to see it! She requested we go to Donald Duck’s (translation: McDonald’s) for lunch. I figured, sure, it’s kind of a special day. Went through the drive thru. 2 minutes after getting back on the road, L informs me she dropped her craft out the window while we were in the drive thru line. 🤦‍♀️. Perhaps I’m a bad mom, but we did not turn around. Sorry, Dad.

We got home and ate. Thought, it’s late, maybe Naomi will nap now. Mmmm, nope. Wasn’t sure what to do, since I’d planned on napping then too in advance of being on call all night, but no kid nap = no mom nap. Lydia had wanted to watch TV, and like a lazy millennial parent, I said yes to 1 episode of My Little Pony. Two episodes later, and 15 minutes before the sitter came, I remembered we still hadn’t put together the kiddie soccer goal the girls were gifted by a family friend. Half an hour and lots of swear words later (to be fair, 2 of the pieces legit do not fit right), it was together-ish, the babysitter was there, and I peaced out to go attempt to nap. Which failed, like always. But the kids played in the sprinkler and the yard, and Lydia took a nap outside (!!!!).

It was an exhausting day, but a good day. We all had fun. I also had several heart attacks. Here are the things Naomi climbed today: the dog food bin in an attempt to climb a bookcase or eat dog treats, one of our cheap IKEA dining chairs that will fall over if she leans on them wrong (repeatedly), the bottom stairs to grab the railing supports but then she slipped and ended up literally hanging off the railing and had to be rescued, a step stool in the kitchen just to stand, and the same step stool in the kitchen but about a foot from the sink so she could lean over to the sink and play with dirty dishes. I almost died when I saw that last one, because that stool slips easily on the tile, and she would’ve slammed her face on the counter before falling 2 feet onto the super hard tile. Ugh. I’m gonna set that girl free in the woods. Then eventually she climbed her Pikler triangle, once Alex got home and convinced her to.

It’s definitely going to be an interesting and challenging several weeks. The most important thing is that L’s first drop off and first camp day went well. Hopefully it will set the tone for the whole, tumultuous, new camp, new people every week thing. Lydia loves her some adventures, so I think we made a good choice. Plus, this month she’ll still have music class and swimming 3x a week instead of one, so if nothing else, maybe she’ll sleep well at night. Or not, since she was supposed to be asleep an hour ago and just got up as I was writing the sentence before this. Whatever.

Here’s to happy adventures in all the forms they take.

Sheepishly,

Liz

The End is Near

I just sent an email that scared me to write a lot more than I expected. It was to Lydia’s preschool director, informing her of the date we will be pulling Lydia out of preschool for good.

Y’all, our big kid is about to be a kindergartener. She’s starting REAL school. The kind of school where we can’t just keep her home randomly to do something fun together. The kind where there are formal expectations of what she needs to know. The kind with a backpack, and lunchbox, and team sports, and school plays. My mind is blown just imagining everything she will soon experience.

For anyone who wasn’t following the scary decisions around where to send her, it was and remains a source of stress for us. We moved into our house a few months before Cincinnati Public Schools changed their enrollment rules. So when we decided to live here, we thought we’d be able to get into the highly-rated public Montessori magnet school nearby, but after 3 attempts under the new lottery system, we never got a spot. She did get a spot in another Montessori magnet school further away, which had a significantly crappier rating from the Ohio Dept of Education. At first we thought there was no way we were going to send her there. But, with a lot of feedback from people who know more than we do about these things, we decided it may not be as bad as it appears from that one rating and that we would give it a chance–at least for kindergarten. It is a “newer” school. It was incorporated or renamed or moved or something within the last 5 or 10 years, and we’ve not found anyone who knows anything about it, which has made everything extra challenging. Literally, L’s preschool teacher went to a Cincinnati Montessori conference (Montessori is big here) and asked around for us but still couldn’t find out much. We’re working off 1 tour we did and the fact that the preschool portion (for Montessori, that includes kindergarten age) has Ohio’s top rating, and hopefully she’ll thrive and the upper grades will be better than their ODE report card suggests. But for now, we’re not worrying too much because the best way to learn more than we know will be to send her there and see what we think.

Until then, we did decide to have a little fun with her. Unfortunately, a family trip just isn’t in the cards for us this year (aside from one in June to Evanston, which–sorry Evanston–does not count). So we’re mixing things up by pulling Lyds out of preschool several weeks early and sending her to various camps around the city. I always thought of camp as a weeks- or months-long thing, but there are a lot of week-long, half-day camps around here, even for young kids. So far, Lydia is signed up for a week each of theatre camp (superhero themed!), planetarium camp (chemistry themed!), and nature camp. We may sign her up for one more thing, but even if not, I’m totally jealous of the fun she’ll have.

I asked her preschool teacher if she thought it’d be disruptive to pull her out early for this, and she said not only would it be fun for Lyds, but it’ll be good for her to be around older kids. Which is true, because she’ll be one of the youngest in her grade. And that kind of terrifies me, because Alex and I were both among the oldest, so we’re not really sure what it will be like for her. All we have to go off of are tales of how much more academic kindergarten is now than when we were kids, and how kids that start when they’re older do better. We thought about waiting a year for her (if we moved to KY, she’d HAVE to wait a year, since their cutoff is different), but we decided it’d do more harm than good. Academically, she doesn’t need that extra preschool, so we’re hoping she’s able to keep up socially and however else. NBD, but we’re just waiting to start seeing over the next year or so whether our decisions screw up our kid for the rest of her life or not.

Regardless, it’s the end of an era. We’re gonna have a 5 year old. We’ll be beholden to school schedules for the next 16 or so years. We’ll have to relearn how chlorophyl works and try to stay one step ahead of her to help her study and minimize the number of times she thinks her parents are stupid for not knowing whatever thing she’s learning that we haven’t had to recall in 25+ years. P.S. Sorry I thought you were dumb for not knowing what I was learning in elementary school, Mom 😉

Other things that are going on… Naomi’s still at home with me or our babysitter. There are zero good daycare options close to our house OR Lydia’s soon-to-be school, so we’re kind of at a loss for what to do. I like spending time with her, knowing she’s being well cared for, but also I like having time to cook and clean and idk maybe do other things I haven’t even thought about because I never have stuff cooked and cleaned adequately. Things other than baby chase. But who knows. We’ll see what happens. Alex is going into his crazy May weeks at work. Not excited for that, since our house is still a mess from when we had the flu and when all I did for 3 weeks was bake macarons to sell. My work is mostly my work. Not too much to say about it currently. We try to remind ourselves that our kids are fed and happy and we have each other and it could be a lot worse. But it’s also no fun when Alex has to mow at 9pm so we don’t embarrass our neighbors, or I have to go to bed at 8pm because Naomi won’t sleep without me, or we’re eating our 3rd fast food meal of the week because no one’s had a chance to cook. It won’t always be like this, but it can get weary.

A little outside time with the ladies (and Naomi trying to drink Coke like Mama)

So here’s to bigger and better things in store for Lydia, and hoping Alex and I can make the right choices to help guide her as she grows through this exciting transition!

Sheepishly,

Liz

The Last One

It’s Naomi’s first birthday! It’s amazing how it snuck up. I felt like I waited and waited for her to turn one, but all of a sudden it arrived. And in just a bit, she’ll just be a regular one-year-old whose birthday it isn’t.

The last year has been full of so much love. I mean, if you’ve ever wondered what love at first sight looks like, it’s this:

Little almost bald baby and her enamored big sis

Nearly everything about Naomi has been super chill. Even from when I told Alex I was pregnant and he said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I figured.” (No pregnancy-test-commercial, excited-staring-at-the-test-in-the-bathroom situations in this house, lol). She was relaxed as a fetus and has continued to be relaxed as a baby. Not the opposite of Lydia necessarily, but pretty far to the other end of the spectrum. But they get along so beautifully. Lydia’s overflowing enthusiasm is met with Naomi’s impressive patience. Lyd’s drive to entertain is never wasted on her attentive sister. Sometimes they’re so cute, I simply cannot handle it. Like earlier today when we took them to the aquarium to celebrate.

We can’t wait to watch their relationship develop as Naomi gets more mobile and more opinionated. Speaking of mobile, you probably saw, but she took her first steps today! Three or four at a time, and she did it twice. Lydia also walked for the first time almost exactly on her birthday (I don’t think more than a week before), and with N pulling to stand at 6 months, we’ve been waiting FOREVER for her to take this next step (awful pun, I apologize).

Right now, Naomi loves music. She dances, and it’s the best. Lydia was never a dancey baby so it’s fun to see how different that is. She also loves balls, because who doesn’t? And she’s really into lights. The sign for “light” was the first baby sign she learned and definitely the one she uses most. I call her Naomi-amun sometimes (ancient Egypt reference, anyone?). She loves being outside too, which is a problem in this cold and wet weather. Meanwhile, Lydia says she doesn’t like her summer birthday because there are bugs. I’m like……..srsly? There’s not much N doesn’t like. Taking medicine. Pacifiers (ugh). Having her diaper changed. Typical baby things.

But as she leaves her babyhood behind and becomes a toddler, there is some bitter in the sweet. It’s weird to think we’ll never have another baby. The finality has a heaviness I wasn’t expecting. But no, no one’s rethinking it. Check in again when she’s out of diapers; I’ll probably be like, nope, who cares about babies?

The biggest struggle for me though, as Naomi attains this milestone, has been my disappointment in myself. I tried so hard to eat better, move more, and gain less weight when pregnant with Naomi than I did with Lydia. I pretty much failed. But with Lydia, I was back to my normal weight before she was 1. With Naomi, I’ve lost less than half of what I want. It’s so discouraging. It’s bad for my health and my self esteem. I feel like neither my body nor my clothes look like “me,” because they don’t. I own 3 pairs of pants: 1 jeans, 1 leggings, and 1 ugly lounge that sometimes I have to wear in public when the others are in the wash. I’m still wearing the $12 thrift store winter coat I bought last year when I was pregnant, which I chose simply because I thought I’d be able to zip it the whole time. It’s hard to feel like I never look like me. But on the other hand, the discomfort is probably healthy. Even though I’ve now spent a whole freaking YEAR feeling this way and wearing literally whatever I found at the thrift store that kinda fit, the fact that I haven’t emotionally accepted that gives me hope. I don’t want to be like this forever. I don’t want to wear this stuff I chose solely based on fitting over parts that are larger than is healthy forever. I want to go to a store and buy something I *like*. But I won’t do that until I lose the weight, and losing the weight is SO, *BEYOND* FRUSTRATINGLY SLOW.

The good news is I’ve been trying to organize our house. That may seem like a non sequitur, but one of the obstacles we face is all our free time is spent trying to keep clean and put things back, and we never succeed. I’m trying hard to get things under control in a sustainable way, so I can make time for what I need and Alex can make time for what he needs, and we don’t always feel like we’re drowning in dirty dishes or crayons or dolls. Yes, I’m using Marie Kondo for inspiration, but to be fair, I started reading her book like 2 days before I heard about her Netflix show coming out and several weeks before watching any of it. So while yes, you can find a lot of our things at a thrift store now, no, it’s not because I’m trying to be trendy. I was working on this anyway lol.

Anyway, I’m pooped. I’ve also got a bit of a side project going to try to earn some extra money because work has been slow and we keep getting put on call. I got up early to do it this morning and will again tomorrow. So for now, I’m going to cuddle my one-year-old and get some rest.

Sheepishly,

Liz

An Ode to Four

Before I could hold her in my arms, I held in my imagination a vision of Lydia at 3 or 4 years old. Long hair, twirly dress, giggles, spinning, playing, chasing bubbles in the day and fireflies in the evening in the back yard. Hugs and snuggles. A perfect little girl at a perfectly enjoyable age.

But once she got to the “terrible twos,” which were challenging but not how I’d expected, I started hearing, “Just wait. Three is worse.”

Three finally arrived. She was there, the girl from my imagination. Long hair, twirly dresses, curiously girlier than I’d made her. Sometimes sunny and full of light, but sometimes capricious and out of control. Where I’d imagined blowing bubbles, she poured out every container she was given. In place of snuggles, there were more often tantrums and bedtime revolts. Instead of playing together in the yard, there was the ever-present frustration of “Why aren’t you following instructions?”

At first, I thought it was because she was only just barely 3, that she would soon mature. The difference was undeniable, especially watching her in gymnastics class. While it seemed the other kids followed instructions easily, Lydia never did. And it never got better. After a few months, I realized that MY girl was simply not the girl from my imagination those years before. I accepted that fact, and, to better embrace my own daughter, I let the vision girl go.

But Lydia at 4 has surprised me. She’s still not the girl I’d imagined, and she never will be. But in so many ways, she’s better.

4 is sharing her treats with those she loves, without any prompting.

4 is not fighting when it’s time to turn off Netflix, and sometimes even doing it unasked.

4 is seeing her dad is focusing on her sick sister, and starting to get herself ready for bed by herself, which she had long been capable of doing but never done.

4 is giving her sick sister the shirt off her back because she thought it would make her happy.

4 is quiet coloring.

4 is surprising everyone by easily reading words she’s never practiced before.

4 is hearing my brief, tangential comment one night about how babies need cardboard books so they don’t destroy them, and then the next morning going through her old board books and bringing out 6 favorites for her sister to enjoy, all by herself.

4 is thoughtful, caring, curious, and loving. It is not free of drama, but so far is free of nighttime wanderings. It doesn’t always follow instructions, but it often tries. 4 knows that it’s better to try something new than miss out. 4 is big, but not too big for cuddles. 4 is not afraid to love. 4 is every day closer to seeing the person she will grow into, and cherishing how thoughtful, kind, and giving she is now and will be.

And maybe 4 will yet be twirly dress, giggles, spinning, playing, chasing bubbles in the day and fireflies in the evening. But if not, it’s ok. Because 4 is already so much more than I’d imagined.

Sheepishly,

Liz